Between Spouse and Child
I was telling colleagues about a friend who had rheumatic heart disease and how her labor found her in a position where she was asked to choose by her attending doctors who they'd save: her or the baby.

She chose the baby. I'd like to add an OF COURSE to that... because I really believe most mothers would opt for the same answer if they find themselves in that position.

Anyway, both Mom and baby are fine (the baby is now playing with electrical outlets... she rolls towards them, wehehe).

My male colleague said that she (my friend) chose wrong... that she shouldn't have given the baby's life more importance than hers. He even reasoned that they can probably make babies again someday. A female colleague, who's a single Mom, agreed with him. She even told me that losing a baby that way (at that time) won't be so painful because we didn't really have bonding time yet.

I was aghast. And somehow offended. And a lot of other things.

*~*

I've always maintained that a loss is a loss, and no matter the circumstance, I just know that a part of me will die if ever I lose a child (whether I miscarried it, it was stillborn, I lose it when it's a toddler, I lose him when he's a teenager, etc). Which is why I think i'd always be somehow broken forever from the loss of Py.

And anyway, from where I am sitting right now... I really cannot comprehend how i'd choose my life over my child's, when i've been hardpressed making sure Yakee continues to thrive inside me.

*~*

I've talked about this before with Baby Jowjow... of course (there's that phrase again, ahehe), his ready answer then was that he'd choose me... and that he hopes he'd never be in a position to choose because he also wouldn't want to lose a child.

I've already gotten him to agree that IF EVER that scenario comes up... he'd choose our child out of love for me. I also told him that I know that's equal to making sure that child would grow up without a mother... but I also told hubs that I want him to give that child a chance to live, something i've already enjoyed. Even now that I think about it, although i'd still really want a long life to enjoy my family, i'm already grateful really for the time i've had...

And I can't imagine not ever giving a child of mine the same chance. Which is why, I guess, Jojo was the way he was/is the way he is about my difficult pregnancy... always, his biggest fear isn't that we'd lose the baby... but how i'd react if we lose the baby.

*~*

I'm getting teary-eyed just writing this. Susme!

*~*

And in my more morbid times when I imagine the worst things that could happen happening during the delivery, i've also found myself soliciting from Jojo a promise that if I die upon giving birth to Yakee, he'd still make sure that Yakee's birthdays will be celebrated (even if it would also be my death anniversary).

I've also already told hubs that he has my blessing to get remarried in time so long as he chooses a good woman he'd really love, and who'd love him and Yakee back.

I also told him i'd try to come back as a ghost to give him instructions in raising Yakee... and made him promise he won't let Yakee grow as big as him, and get into junk foods. And that he'd make sure Yakee is active outdoors, even if he manages to turn him into a geek like him. :)

*~*

I've also told hubs that IF EVER I was the one made to choose, that i'd really choose my child over him... not because i'll really love our child more than I love him (because I love and need them in different ways naman, so no comparison), but because i'd protect and preserve my child, my children, all I can.

*~*

My fave boss, whenever she's about to give birth... types up e-mails/letters for all her loved ones. Some kinda goodbye letter in case she dies during the delivery. She saves it all in her husband's e-mail account...

She's given birth to 5 kids already.

*~*

No point really to this post. It's just one of those necessary conversations bringing a couple together... It's just one of those many possibilities that you don't really want to find yourself in.

*~*

Meanwhile, hubs has just finished the 7th HP book yesterday... so it was only last night that we could talk about the book :D

*~*

Manila Mom, thanks for being so kind and I will claim my badge soon :)

10 More Weeks (or so)
Even before I was pregnant, Baby Jojo already started kissing my tummy... around the time we started really hoping we'd get pregnant. Of course now he does it every night, even if he comes home late and am already sleeping. And everytime he sees my belly, he really can't help but kiss it, caress it and try feeling for Yakee's movements.

Hay. I really feel sad for other women who can't have the same luxury of a doting husband during a pregnancy. Because it really eases the discomforts away.

Anyway, because last week was very stressful for me (Saturday was Pyro's birthday, the first we'd celebrate without him), I was having weird dreams the whole week. Hubs bought me a DREAM book tuloy... not a paperback encyclopedia of dream meanings ha, but a heavy book that tackles its science, philosophy and different ways of interpretation.

Then, as I was lying low on funds (esply coming from a confinement), I lamented that I don't have Cocoa Body Butter anymore and that i'd have to wait for the next pay day. It costs P800 kasi, and I had to prioritize buying my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Plus, I was also buying the mocha cake we'd share with the kids at the cemetery.

But true to form, hubs bought me my cocoa butter :)

And yesterday, he reminded me that I can use our credit card if there's anything I wanted to buy (be it more maternity clothes or baby stuff, so long as I don't go lugging anything heavy).

And he also promised to buy me several caramel sundaes from McDo to keep in our fridge so that I need not pass by Rob Place anymore when I want one... and so that I can enjoy the sundae at home.

*~*

Our electric bill is the highest it's been ever since we lived together, because of the aircon... but since I am irritated by the heat after coming home, hubs also assures me that we have enough to pay the bill and just really get comfy. So, where before, the earliest we'd turn on the A/C is at 10:00 PM, now I guiltlessly turn it on as early as 7:30 PM :)

So yes, am terribly enjoying the many little things hubs does for me... to make me comfortable... so I guess I really have just ONE major push incentive, and that's a loving husband :)

*~*

We got our first hand-me-down na... Iya's bamboo walker (andador). Jojo isn't sure if we'll be using it though, or if we're going to use Py's old wooden walker instead since wood may be more stable than bamboo.

And it's weird looking at the walker... apart from not yet needing one for at least ten months, it's also the first baby furniture in the house.

*~*

I find myself remembering more and more all those times I, or Jojo, bottlefed Py when he was a baby... or rocked him to sleep. Py would be looking at my (or Jojo's) face and touching (pinching, tugging, caressing, pulling) it, while also swaying/kicking a foot back and forth.

Soon, it'd be Yakee in our arms.

I just hope he won't grow teeth as early as Py did (and as many, at a time) so as not to complicate breastfeeding him. :D

*~*

Yikes talaga... 10 weeks to go na lang before my va-j-j gets ripped apart. Gosh!

Not yet Home Free
Sheesh. Last week, I was gushing over one of my last remaining dates as a non-lactating woman (for the next year or two) with hubs. Alas, the date was marred by a cranky me who got tired walking the length of Mall of Asia to get to the IMAX theater... and then a sick me the morning after.

I woke up to great hunger pangs just before 7 am. Then the pain turned into an intensely gassy feeling, which farting wouldn't relieve (TMI na ba?). Then I was reduced to writhing in pain... that led to several hours and several bowel movements in the Emergency Room of Manila Doctors Hospital.

Fecalysis and blood test showed I was ok... and because I was feeling ok already, I was discharged at 3 PM.

I felt ok till around 8 PM, even making an appointment with my reflexologist. But the dinner I had proved my stomach was far from ok, so Evelyn (my masseuse) arrived to find me vomiting my dinner out.

The vomiting got so intense (we all thought i'd pass out) so I was rushed again to the ER. That was Friday evening. I'm just glad Madocs reserves it's 3rd floor rooms to OB cases so we were able to get a room (because their ER has been really busy all day). I was discharged yesterday afternoon.

Ugh. The verdict? Viral gastroenteritis (my second confinement was bacterial... and yes, this is the third confinement of my life, and all admissions happened during my first pregnancy). The good thing about it being viral is that it's usually self-limiting, and often goes away in 2-3 days on its own. Unfortunately, I am pregnant and every little drop in my electrolytes needs to be addressed.

Plus, the vomiting was violent enough to result in a sub-conjunctival hemmorhaging (read: a blood vessel or two popped in my eye, resulting in this blod-clot of sorts in the whites of my right eye). Sheesh talaga.

I underwent another pelvic ultrasound (which confirmed that Yakee is male, his balls were pointed out to me, wehehehe) and a Fetal Non-stress Test (which stressed me because my belly was wrapped in straps that evoked mild claustrophobia... which had me wanting to cry and scream for the first 5 minutes... but yeah, I managed without doing so). Yakee is just fine and seemingly happy in his bubble... it's I who am still contending with an unstable stomach (just after getting discharged yesterday, I went on a burping and gagging mode that scared hubs again).

Oh and yeah... my poor Baby Jojo got stressed so much that he slept all the time through my confinement. He admits to feeling really exhausted everytime I get sick... he even skipped work today too (I opted to rest for a day before returning to work). As punishment (of sorts) for stressing him, I was put on bedrest with toilet privileges lang... as in I can't even watch TV or surf the net downstairs (buti na lang we have many laptops and he has mobile broadband).

And Yakee continues to be happy and playful inside me... that i've also started to feel pain along with his kicks.

*~*

My OB said that there's been a surge in cases of viral gastroenteritis and dermatitis these days. Even she got sick last week. Heck, even our Intellicare agent visited the ER. And Dr. de Guia further informed us that the diseases they expected during the summer are all just coming out now... so even sore eyes is common.

*~*

It kinda makes me feel guilty, thinking about it in retrospect... but when my head was reeling from the violence of my nausea, I found the energy to be lucid enough and tell Jojo that Yakee will be an only child. At that time, I couldn't wish for death because I knew Yakee still needed me to live, but I really wished for everything to just stop... and that I at least be given something to make me sleep and not have to endure any more.

Now that am fairly OK again... i'm willing to have another child again someday (but definitely not so soon). But if my second pregnancy will be as hard (or heaven forbid, tougher), I think i'd really have to be happy with just two kids.

I know... other Moms have suffered far worse during their pregnancies. I'm just being honest though... because it's really very traumatic to handle an illness magnified with the fear and responsibility of still being the baby's host.

No wonder FIL is recommending that we stay with them till I give birth. No wonder Jojo is trying to make me give up work this soon. No wonder the A/C unit has been running for 24 hours now without rest because my darling husband has mandated that I am to stay in bed.

*~*

Rebelling, I ate champorado with two tablespoonfuls of powdered milk. Hehe.

*~*

Which brings me to wonder... how could I possibly handle labor?

ThE LaST dAtEs

... till there's Yakee :)

This Thursday, Baby Jojo is treating me to an IMAX showing of the fifth Harry Potter movie. And he promised to still take me out on a date on the 14th (because i've been morose about the fact that since our first wedding anniversary, we haven't been able to celebrate any anniversary, monthsary and couple celebration properly).

And if i'm good, he just might take me to Baguio with him (I have to research pa pala all the hospitals from Manila to Baguio today, tsk!) this July.

Unfortunately for me, he's also putting his foot down and banning more future dates.

But there's that baby shower thing with the CWL girls in August. Hopefully, I can make that naman.

Now, i'm trying to finnagle a Divi date to buy baby things but he's against it. He's going with MIL instead... sniff, sniff. I didn't know I won't get to buy my baby's bibs and diapers. I'm still bargaining with him to go to that Bel-air shop and Greenhills shop, but what I really want is a Divi date!!! Because am not really excited about baby clothes per se... what I want are the infant stuff like those white shirts and mittens and bigkis that i've dreamt of buying ever since I was a child.

Oh... and I want to choose my baby's comforter set. Waaahhhh.

I kid him that i'd just really skip work one day and just go there... and just have him pick me up... and just cry when he gets there so he won't scold me... and just sleep when we get home so he'd feel all crushed at how tired I got. Nyahahaha. He threatens me with the cold shoulder treatment if ever I do that. I smile and tell him that it would be absolutely imppossible for him to ignore me. He pouts (lolz, we both do that a lot) and tells me I can't do that to him. And so I remind him that am pregnant and pregnant women do really crazy things they cannot be held liable for.

Kulit namin no? :D

But at least, we get as much of the landian/labing-labing fix we need before Yakee takes up all our energies.

We're down to our last three months or so before everything gets turned upside down. Actually, ever since finding out about Yakee, it has stopped being just the two of us. But come October, Yakee will be a more tangible reality... and our days as just husband and wife will have ceased because we'd also be Mommy and Papi. Dates and vacations will be tailored around him... conversations and labing-labings will become stolen moments especially in the first two years or so.

Buti na lang, i'm happy with the person i've been getting to know more of for the past months.

*~*

I better go shopping at MOA na before the movie. Kaso, i'm actually too tamad to shop... and my pelvic area hurts on and off na even this early.

HeAveN HeLp MeC
I knew I had intimacy issues even before I seriously contemplated marriage. Ever since, I was scared of having ONE PERSON affect my happiness so... and sure enough, marriage to Jojo sometimes inevitably brings tears as I fret over his health, our relationship and all the things that making room for him in my life had to bring.

And sure enough... every day, I find my breath taken away by little things he does... all the things I love about him, all the things I discover that he is, and all the things I see that he will become.

Every day, I grow more in love. Every day, I become more attached. Every day, his lien on my happiness becomes greater. Every day, I find a reason to love him with such passion and energy that all the figures of speech of walking over fire, reaching for the moon, going through hell and back... all those things become ME.

I just love and adore my husband to death. :)

And I really didn't think I could love some other guy like I love him... heck, I may even love this new guy even more.

And as excited and happy as I am with this new man in my life... I cannot help but dread a little the toll it will take on my heart to love someone again with such passion... such commitment... and such courage.

*~*

It's just really a blessing though... that Jojo loves this new guy just as much.

So yes, wehehehe... the doctor said yesterday (after a congenital anomaly scan, which showed us a baby in perfect health, btw) that Baby Sac is 90% MALE :) (syempre we couldn't appreciate the 'matulis' thing the doctor can see... and there is always a very slim margin of error from ultrasounds naman)

*~*

Baby Sac, from hereon, will be referred to as Baby Yakee (till we figure out which nickname we really want). And he seems to have gotten his father's fat lips :D

*~*

One thing that this bit of info does is that... it changes your fantasies and dialogues. Where before, hubs and I just dream of a cute baby and talk about general things, now we're seeing a lot of blue, and balls, and arguing about which toys to buy (Jojo is beyond excited in turning Yakee into a gadget-freak like him) and other scenarios that having a boy entails (like will he be bringin home bugs and worms? will I catch him masturbating? when will he learn about porn?).

And now, am yucked out because i've realized how yucky it is to clean up a boy when his poop sometimes gets enmeshed with his penis and balls.

Well... we're calling him Yakee naman nga :D Bwahahaha.

*~*

It's true...

"No one has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold" (Zelda Fitzgerald)