Sad, Confused Rant

I have been a W@Wie since last year. Their yahoogroup and website has opened me to a multitude of options, insights, advices and possibilities. In a way, they have even brought me friends... fellow brides-to-be who I can exchange information with, ask advice/feedback from, and generally count on to boost my morale.

Especially when am down.

And am kinda down now.

One aspect of W@W is that you get to talk about your preparations, who you are considering, who you've booked, what you will have, what you experienced, who is commendable, etc.

And like what i've advised some co-W@Wies... it's easy to get lost in other people's preparations... other couples who either have more money than you do, or possess better skills in organizing a wedding...

And when you find yourself still not having booked any major supplier other than the Church where you intend to wed... it's easy to find reasons to cry.

Then again, it is our fault. We didn't exactly save... even if we had two years to prepare. So, while I watch fellow December brides taking care of and tackling nice-things-to-have (like chocolate fountains, on-the-day coordinators, etc) because they've already booked their venues, caterers, photographers, gownmakers, bakers, jewellers, etc... I bite my lip and wonder WHEN i'd be making my next booking.

And then I wonder... if i'd have to settle for all my suppliers all the way... because the ones I want would already be taken once I finally have either the money or the time, and have actually made the decision to book them.

Also, because it's been hectic for my family... and my beloved has had to spend weekends working... our accomplishments have been minimal at best.

Sometimes, when am really petty, I even believe that I have to cry for days first before I can get results.

Not that we're not trying.

Although I feel we could try harder.

Not that we're not making the preps a priority.

Although I feel we're not really focused.

And again, we ARE strapped for cash.

Fortunately for us, none of us wants to credit card ourselves to death, or take out loans left and right.

So, ok... let's just say, we are strapped for cash NOW.

And actually, we COULD limit our guests probably to save ourselves some money. Esply since some nice venues cannot accommodate the number of guests we expect (it's now at 250, heaven help us).

And I keep thinking if we have already discussed priorities or not.

And it doesn't help that... say, am willing to limit the guests... as long as I get the best photographer and videographers I can afford... and he's not really keen on the idea.

We don't even follow the calendar we mapped. For March, we failed to meet with possible officiant to discuss the wedding ceremony, restrictions, personal vows, etc.

But then again, I am AGAIN, comparing our accomplishments to that of others. Again, December brides already having booked major suppliers come to mind.

And again, there's that wonder and resignation that i'd have to settle for who is available... and not who I really wanted to hire.

And sometimes yes, it becomes a vicious cycle inside one's mind.

Not that am not happy in love.

Not that my Jojo isn't a nice, kind, wonderful man.

Not that am no longer excited.

Not that the wedding wouldn't be beautiful.

Not that i'd still feel bad about such things years into the marriage.

But for now... let me just say...

How I wish we booked the reception venue we really like early... and are just interviewing possible caterers right now...

And that I have the money to book my photographer and videographer... and am now already charming him/them to be generous and exchange certain freebies in the package for... other freebies we can really use... like pre-nup pics.

But I guess... sticking with what's real...

I should just pray that either we find a venue we can really fall in love with, that fits our budget... or we can fall in love with PCA (which we've already booked by the way as a last resort)...

And that we can find a photo/video package/team that we can really work with, that's also within our budget, and preferably with an office here in Manila... who will capture all the beauty and spontaneity and cheerfulness of my wedding.

Sigh.

God, that's not so TALL an ORDER right? Surely we deserve the minimal pomp and the reasonable kapritso?
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