Sunday, April 20, 2008

Mommy Meltdown

Most parents say their child is malikot or makulit. Yakee is truly malikot. Because he's slightly advanced psychomotor-wise (who knew that at six months, we'd worry over him walking sideways using the wall for support, or using everything for support to stand, and stepping over Mommy or pillows to go get somewhere else), he really keeps everyone on their toes. And only those who haven't taken care of a child will say that it's not exhausting.

Because it is exhausting.

And I am exausted to start with from lack of sleep. I don't know why he won't settle right again (growth spurt? can I use that as reason every week?)... he'd sleep okay at 11 or so and wake up an hour or two later, whimper, insist on feeding or beig held. If am unlucky, he'd get all alert and play again. Or he'd insist on sleeping on my lap wrapped around my tummy, or on my chest... and not only is it hard to go back to sleep when i've been roused, I also cannot sleep with a weight on top of me.

And my son doesn't know his strength. I often feel like a battered Mom... so badly that I don't worry about him getting hurt himself. A whole day of clawing and biting and kicking (especially the boobs) is super, duper exhausting!

So when he woke up to play at 8 AM, after a difficult settling that didn't end till 3 AM, I was still feeling weak. Not to mention lacking sleep all week. So I started moaning "No"... and then he somersaults to hit his head on my mouth. That's it. I started crying. An equally-lacking sleep Pappie woke up to rescue me from more of our son's happiness (and prevent me from hurting our son if I got fed up). I cried and cried and cried myself back to sleep.

Yakee wanted Mommy but thanks to attachment parenting, he settled with his father.

I just felt so used and abused eventhough I know it's not personal. Six months into raising Yakee, I still cannot just sleep on demand so I end up sleeping between 8 AM- 12 NN when Yakee doesn't mind sleeping on the bed, and not on a human.

(this also explains the lack of energy to bloghop)

I hate finding myself angry and irrational. I'm scared that i'll end up hurting my son (if not by spanking, that i'll fall asleep again when he's playing and he'd fall off the bed again). I sometimes wonder if this happens to all moms or am just really struggling because I am inept. And am wondering if my son is really just demanding or am really not the nurturin kind.



But there's a light in the horizon in the form of Hedwig... who came into our lives at a really perfect time.

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