THE PASAWIFE

My loving husband coined this term for me... since he's getting frustrated by the fact that I can't seem to sit still. We've even had slightly-heated discussions about how I should spend my BEDREST days (he wants the bedpan-by-the-bed thingie, while I'm all for sitting up to eat my meals and standing up to go to the bathroom thingie). Basically, he's just really scared of how i'm going to take it if we lose the baby... I, on the other hand, trust my OB's judgment that it's ok for me to do those things because even TOTAL bedrest cannot keep someone from miscarrying in the first trimester, if it's really meant to be.

Anyway, that aside... i've also given my Baby problems about my sleeping and eating habits. I usually get sleepy in the afternoons so I end up unable to sleep at nights... add to that some nights when I can't sleep at all, no matter how tired I am. So, there are nights which I spend just reading a book, much to my husband's dismay.

And though I haven't really had morning sickness... I have lost my appetite. I make sure to eat healthy meals, following the tips from the Best Odds Diet, but it's driving my hubby mad that am not going for second helpings. Or that am not craving some particular food.

So, if i've been left LIMITED by this pregnancy so far... my husband has been driven ANXIOUS and FRUSTRATED. After all, this is a journey that we may be going through together, but something that excludes him till the hour Baby Arevalo is born.

*~*

The kisses on the tummy and the talks contemplating how our child will look like, where we'd send him/her to school, how often we're going to visit his parents with the baby, if we'd have the 3D/4D ultrasound thing, what baby booties our baby MUST HAVE, who will take him/her outside every morning for some sun, who will handle him/her if he/she's colicy, etc... those are very gratifying moments though. All because we married at the right time, and chose our life-partners well.

*~*

Of course, am more spoiled nowadays! Unfortunately, am not craving anything they can serve on silver platters to make me happy. And since i'm chained to the house, I still haven't gotten around to buying cute maternity outfits (am only 2 months on the way, but my uniforms feel constricting already).

*~*

Love you, Baby Sac... we can't wait to irritate you with kisses :)

CHANGES

It's hard not to reel from the shock and the changes, when a life is taken away. Apart from missing the loved one who passed away, you also deal with the impact of his death in your life... or in the lives of other people you love.

Having both recently lost beloved family members, my husband and I are both still feeling raw indeed. Now, there's a child we won't be buying toys for anymore. Now, there's an uncle who won't be calling up at ten in the morning to ask us over for lunch... in San Juan, Batangas.

The world is turned upside down. Your priorities get rearranged for you. Fears are reawakened. You say more prayers.

Last February 1, I was not feeling well. I chalked it up to emotional exhaustion from having to go through two deaths that rocked our families in a bad way. Feb. 2, we interred Jojo's uncle. Feb 3, my Baby pulls a back muscle and had to be rushed to the ER of Asian Hospital. Feb 4 was Pyro's 40 Days.

I also confirmed that day that I was pregnant.

Talk about major emotional upheaval. From death to a life unborn.

Alas, we didn't have time to rejoice. Jojo was still in pain, and I immediately started spotting. February would see me generally staying at home, in bed... or leaving the house to go to my OB to check for anything wrong. Because I had polycystic ovaries, I am more at risk of miscarrying... and I was spotting and cramping every other day or so.

Despite our apprehensions over the pregnancy, I still sent out pregnancy announcement cards to friends. I figured, my friends and I are entitled to what delight we can enjoy... till I lose the baby (IF it was really not meant to be).

Yesterday, the ultrasound showed our baby's heart beating. Tears fell from my eyes as I watched the blinking area in the perfect aminiotic sac protecting what looks like a walnut. Baby Sac (because we first saw him/her as a gestational sac) was officially 6 weeks old yesterday.

With this new life, the world is turned upside down. Our priorities got rearranged for us. Our fears are reawakened. And we've been saying more prayers.




Being first time parents, we're in fear that this wonderful blessing will be taken away... a natural concern by first-time parents... and a natural reaction by people who've just lost loved ones.

But we continue to dream and hope and have faith.

And we're in love... with our new family.

*~*

Now, if only i'd graduate from the delicate pregnancy watch.

OUR VALENTINES

I have been making parinig to my Baby that I want need a romantic Valentines because i've been feeling low and well... we still haven't gotten to celebrating our first wedding anniversary...

Sure enough, he surprised me so well... I felt pain from the happiness. Lolz.

He made arte that somethng was wrong with our bed... that his side was hard and hurting his back... only to pull this heavy wrapped gift from under :) He bought me the hardbound copies of Harry Potter, books 1-6 because I only have the paperback copies of books 1-5 (and it's only P200 difference if he bought the 1-5 set instead of the 1-6 set)!!!

I was meaning to buy that set in May, when I get my mid-year bonus... but now I don't have to anymore.

He also bought me Mitch Albom's FOR ONE MORE DAY, something I thought was too expensive din so I was waiting for the paperback edition. Sigh.

Since I couldn't go out really due to mush needed bed rest, Jojo bought fine dining food (take-out) and fed me ribs and pasta and prawns here at home... w/ ice cream and cakes :D

But the best thing about Valentines was just really being in the arms of a man who loves and adores me, who worries over me, who's willing to serve me, provide for my needs, make life comfortable for me, delight me, be faithful to me...

I see it in his eyes everyday... his devotion, his love, his happiness.

I hear it from his lips everyday... I feel it in his kisses...

I just hope he knows how much I love him in return... how the highlight of my day remains just having him in my arms, my face nuzzling his neck, my body feeling his warmth... and talking about silly stuff and dreaming out loud about silly dreams with him :)

Love you, Baby :)

Am so glad we're still the King and Queen of Mushy. Mwehehe

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE
Marriage is not a fairy tale... but it can have happy endings.

To say that it will be hard to make a marriage work will be putting it mildly... because you are committing to spending the rest of your life with an individual: A person who may or may not be of the same religion or race or socioeconomic background. You will be marrying the child he was, the games he used to play, the family he grew up in, and how his personality and dreams and goals in life were pre-determined, affected, dictated or went against his upbringing.

You marry his genes and family history of illnesses, and run the risk of losing him, or subjecting your kids to the same hereditary maladies (apart from the bad nose, short lashes, uneven teeth, bad skin, etc. that also come with the family he came from).

You marry the culture he grew up in... the long tolerance for infidels, the premium put on academic excellence, the quiet submission to elders (even when they're wrong), the conservative views on childrearing, the perpetual chauvinism.

You marry a person with a past, and will struggle in the present with him so you can have a future together... a compromise of the possible and each other's ideals.

And once in a while, you will feel threatened by who he was, or how he reacts to his family, or how he used to be.

You will wonder if that's a window to how he'd handle similar scenarios with you and your family in the future. You will wonder if you made the right choice in him. You will wonder if he has the stomach to go through the bad times with you. You will wonder if you can fight and keep faith as much as he could. You will wonder if he's still reacting to a childhood disillusionment or lost dream.

And every day, you will learn something new about him which won't always be endearing and beautiful. You will learn of the monster he's managed to control. And you will let him get to know the monsters that hound you.

Marriage, in order to work, will require a lot of vigilance and trust, of love and courage, of faith and forgiveness, of acceptance and grace.

And only those who make the necessary sacrifices and compromises get to enjoy the rewards...

*~*

Baby Jojo and I came from loving families. But we came from imperfect families. We even have ugly stories of family squabbles and such. We were both, or sometimes still are, monsters. But the miracle is the fact that love continues to grow in the imperfections we've had to deal with.

Thus, we continue to thrive and grow and bask in the glory of love and comfort, of concern and thoughtfulness, of charity and generosity, of promise and laughter.