Sunday, January 18, 2009

Torn and Unhappy

Let's blame hormones, okay?

And an inherent wanderlust spirit from my end.

I think I enjoyed our Island Cove trip so much that i'm ten times all the more restless for a trip. A family trip that would include a plane ride, and preferably in a different island group.


I have cried in my husband's arms about this. And now, i'm seething with so much resentment and bitterness. I hate being this way but I also can't help feeling denied.

I hate that i'm wondering if giving up my job was worth it. I hate feeling poor. I hate feeling deprived. I hate comparing our family to others.

And it's really not that we cannot afford one. It's just that my pregnancy was difficult before (and expensive!) so travelling was really out of the question for 2007. And it was our (maybe even mostly mine) choice to throw Yakee a truly wonderful party and I know, i'd never have it any other way. And we're struggling to really have some savings and not live on credit.

I guess we're still adjusting to the one-income setup. And I guess I have to allow myself moments like this... just so I can remember for myself the really important things. Like being as involved in raising and nurturing Yakee.


Now, for the torn part. I made reservations for us at Balay Indang this Feb after reading about it in N@W and seeing that trusted friends have found the place worth it. Told you, I was jumping crazy to go somewhere. But then I got to thinking, what if we just spend more this March for a plane trip somewhere to celebrate our 9th (non-wedding) anniversary? At least i'd get the need for the plane ride out of my system already.

If truth be told, however, we may need to dip some into our savings for a plane trip. We've originally scheduled that for the third quarter of the year.

But gosh, I don't think I can wait.

I'm hoping the Balay Indang thingie can pacify my heart some... and it would only cost us around P5-6k (and am coming into some money this Feb which we can use there). But that's only an overnight thingie.


God, please shower me with some serenity and grace to accept the things I cannot change. I really don't like making Pappie feel bad because am sad. But am really, really sad right now.


I think it's hormones. Just like last month when I was soooo into having a second baby asap. Sniff.

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