I have so much to say which all boils down to this: I LOVE YOU ALL.
Right now, I am struggling not to have morbid thoughts about the scheduled CS. I realize that I/wwe have been blessed really so far and that I need not be this scared... but I am scared. A part of me wonders about that possibility that is always there of never coming back from the operation.
I did say morbid right?
Yamee... I have not hold you yet in my arms but I have held you already in my heart for nine months, and even longer, if you consider the fact that we never intended for Kuya Yakee to be an only child. All I wish for is your health and safety. All I intend is to experience the breast crawl with you and to breastfeed you like I did Kuya Yakee. Someday, I hope you will appreciate that it's not just nourishment, what Mommy gives, when she breastfeeds. It is the purest gift of ME, baby, and my kids deserve nothing less.
Yakee... I am not sad because I feel any disloyalty to you or that I have shortchanged you, or abandoned you. I just feel sad because what we had was good, great even, and that it's coming to an end. Of course, adjustments aside, I have no doubt that what we will have will be even greater. For I know I loved you well, and I know you... and we really cannot be happier with our firstborn.
Pappie... I know you're stressed super, not just with all the changes but because you share the same morbid thoughts. Just always know I love you, and that I am so thankful for your love, not just for me but for our sons. The best is yet to come!
And, should fate have other plans that would take me away from you... I trust that you'll all love each other and live your lives the way you know will make me happy. And what would make me happy is that you all remain healthy and you all keep right. I am in each of you so none of you need look far or seek elsewhere for me.