I have been saying it for almost three months now, how we've been unable to really rejoice over this gift of pregnancy...
First, we were still really reeling from the loss of a much-loved child... the first child apart from our younger siblings that Jojo and I really watched grow from infancy. Pyro was not our child, but he was loved as if he was. We doted on him. We turned to him to ease stress away. He made us more sure we wanted to be parents because he elicited much love from us. We initially wanted to be better people so he'd really have a reason to look up to us. It was the first time that we could actually influence a child and help mold him into someone good.
January 2007 was a month filled with tears and distress. Exactly a month from Pyro's death, Jojo's uncle, who featured so much in his childhood (and they're really such a close-knit family, the Arevalos), also passed away. Apart from the loss it brought to my husband (and his family), and the trauma it reminded me of, we also had to deal with its impact on my husband's family (most particularly, to his Dad).
So to realize that in the midst of being racked with tears and worries on most nights, I managed to get pregnant (just when we were getting ready to start with fertility treatments) and stay pregnant was truly amazing. What a blessing!
It was the perfect proof that the circle of life continues... and really gave us hope. But a loss is still a loss and we still had some grieving to do. And then I started spotting that led to almost 2 months of bedrest. And worry. And more tears. And more feelings of inadequacy.
And then, a month from Jojo's uncle's passing... another uncle had to undergo the same bypass surgery that the first did not recover from. Fear and worry for our loved ones stayed strong even after this uncle survived the operation.
March came without much news, but I was still spotting everyday.
April saw my SIL lose her baby, Pyro's sibling, due several days after Baby Sac. Tears again flowed... Not only do I feel sorry for my SIL and brother, but I also felt guilty to still be so blessed. And of course, the fear that I could also lose my child eats away at my spirit sometimes.
And then there's that rift between me and my cousin (don't wanna elaborate), which I don't think would end anytime soon... kinda bad when you're almost living together.
And the different aches and pains i've had to deal with because of the pregnancy... and maybe aggravated by the stress.
The spotting isn't everyday now... it improved to every four days... but has now went again back to every two days... which continue to worry us.
And now, FIL has been confined for a week now, and worried sick because he's due for an angiogram tomorrow... unable to forget that the brother he lost had a heart attack after the same procedure. And of course, we're all worried sick over him, over the ugly possibilities.
And today, I think I just had one of the bloodiest discharge of my pregnancy (the other one was when I had this major indigestion).
So you see, though we have never forgotten how to feel grateful for this gift, there really hasn't been much of a chance to be worry-free enough to be as giddy with delight as other parents.
I told hubs this afternoon that, eventhough it annoys and hurts really (only the first times give parents delight), I can't really wait till the baby starts kicking. Just so i'd know he's ok and still alive. Just so i'd have an everyday tangible proof that am doing something right, and everything is relatvely going well.
Despite the above rant... let me just say that there are a lot of blessings to still count...
Like the love and devotion of the man I chose to marry and father my child. (wehehe, but normally, i'd have said 'to father my children' but right now, am just really stressed out already by this pregnancy that I just cannot contemplate having another one!)
And the love and attention of my sister. (who, no matter how tired she is from school, would attend to my needs and demands)
And the love from both our families. (my brother, eventhough he was on the verge of tears from losing his second child told me not to worry myself; my Mom and Dad always constant with their text messages to remind me to be strong; my MIL who is always just a phone call away for consultations, being both a mother and a nursing grad)
And being spoiled by colleagues... who have been more than understanding and supportive, considering they have to pick up MY slack.
And my other friends.
So, always, we still thank God.
Sac continues to hold on and grow... I just hope he hasn't suffered negatively from all the stress around his Mom right now. Hopefully, he'd be as delightfully jolly as cousins Pyro and Iya.
And I know other Moms have to go through worse things than I have... so am not really complaining.