THE PREGNANCY CHALLENGE
I have been saying it for almost three months now, how we've been unable to really rejoice over this gift of pregnancy...

First, we were still really reeling from the loss of a much-loved child... the first child apart from our younger siblings that Jojo and I really watched grow from infancy. Pyro was not our child, but he was loved as if he was. We doted on him. We turned to him to ease stress away. He made us more sure we wanted to be parents because he elicited much love from us. We initially wanted to be better people so he'd really have a reason to look up to us. It was the first time that we could actually influence a child and help mold him into someone good.

January 2007 was a month filled with tears and distress. Exactly a month from Pyro's death, Jojo's uncle, who featured so much in his childhood (and they're really such a close-knit family, the Arevalos), also passed away. Apart from the loss it brought to my husband (and his family), and the trauma it reminded me of, we also had to deal with its impact on my husband's family (most particularly, to his Dad).

So to realize that in the midst of being racked with tears and worries on most nights, I managed to get pregnant (just when we were getting ready to start with fertility treatments) and stay pregnant was truly amazing. What a blessing!

It was the perfect proof that the circle of life continues... and really gave us hope. But a loss is still a loss and we still had some grieving to do. And then I started spotting that led to almost 2 months of bedrest. And worry. And more tears. And more feelings of inadequacy.

And then, a month from Jojo's uncle's passing... another uncle had to undergo the same bypass surgery that the first did not recover from. Fear and worry for our loved ones stayed strong even after this uncle survived the operation.

March came without much news, but I was still spotting everyday.

April saw my SIL lose her baby, Pyro's sibling, due several days after Baby Sac. Tears again flowed... Not only do I feel sorry for my SIL and brother, but I also felt guilty to still be so blessed. And of course, the fear that I could also lose my child eats away at my spirit sometimes.

And then there's that rift between me and my cousin (don't wanna elaborate), which I don't think would end anytime soon... kinda bad when you're almost living together.

And the different aches and pains i've had to deal with because of the pregnancy... and maybe aggravated by the stress.

The spotting isn't everyday now... it improved to every four days... but has now went again back to every two days... which continue to worry us.

And now, FIL has been confined for a week now, and worried sick because he's due for an angiogram tomorrow... unable to forget that the brother he lost had a heart attack after the same procedure. And of course, we're all worried sick over him, over the ugly possibilities.

And today, I think I just had one of the bloodiest discharge of my pregnancy (the other one was when I had this major indigestion).

So you see, though we have never forgotten how to feel grateful for this gift, there really hasn't been much of a chance to be worry-free enough to be as giddy with delight as other parents.

I told hubs this afternoon that, eventhough it annoys and hurts really (only the first times give parents delight), I can't really wait till the baby starts kicking. Just so i'd know he's ok and still alive. Just so i'd have an everyday tangible proof that am doing something right, and everything is relatvely going well.

*~*

Despite the above rant... let me just say that there are a lot of blessings to still count...

Like the love and devotion of the man I chose to marry and father my child. (wehehe, but normally, i'd have said 'to father my children' but right now, am just really stressed out already by this pregnancy that I just cannot contemplate having another one!)

And the love and attention of my sister. (who, no matter how tired she is from school, would attend to my needs and demands)

And the love from both our families. (my brother, eventhough he was on the verge of tears from losing his second child told me not to worry myself; my Mom and Dad always constant with their text messages to remind me to be strong; my MIL who is always just a phone call away for consultations, being both a mother and a nursing grad)

And being spoiled by colleagues... who have been more than understanding and supportive, considering they have to pick up MY slack.

And my other friends.

So, always, we still thank God.

*~*

Sac continues to hold on and grow... I just hope he hasn't suffered negatively from all the stress around his Mom right now. Hopefully, he'd be as delightfully jolly as cousins Pyro and Iya.

And I know other Moms have to go through worse things than I have... so am not really complaining.

Just saying.

BABYWEARING ENCOUNTER

Jen from N@W arranged a babywearing get-together at their home. It's a good thing I got to text her to ask about it because I kept failing to get e-mails from her. Ahehe.

Jojo and I left early because we're not familiar with the Greenhills area and thought we'd get lost... but we got to Jen's doorstep at 2:30 (the meeting was arranged for 3 PM). Anyway, we made chikahan muna while waiting for the others.

Only four Moms showed up... and heaven help me, I know they're all n@wies but I remember their babies' names better (Irene came with Theo, Julia arrived with preggy Mom and doting Dad, and one other n@wie whose named sounded like Aileen ata). Of course, jen's sons also entertained us (Paul, the eldest, kept interrupting his Mom's talk to insist that she present his coin collection instead).

Anyway, it was great fun to learn first-hand to use the sling. What's more, it helps build one's confidence to see it actually being done. Hubby was game enough to also learn (and we kidded Jen that they should have a separate line for big dads, because our sling loses its tail when Baby Jojo wears it) and the afternoon couldn't help but be peppered with stories and sharings about personal experiences.

Hopefully, there'd be another session (ok fine, I think this is just an excuse to gather with Moms) and more people can go...







*~*

Stayed at home for two days because of a weird stomachache since Sunday. OB said that my symptoms are still non-conclusive so the most we can do is observe... because it could be gastritis, confused/annoyed colon or gallstones, all of which are common during pregnancy.

Hubs insisted I rest until today... to give him some peace of mind. Plus, my spotting is back to every 3 days, instead of every 4 days. So my Dubadilan intake was also extended some more.

And now I find myself sniffling... hopefully this isn't going to develop into a rhinitis attack... or a cold. Otherwise, hubs would hover and fret like crazy na naman.

*~*

Took me ages, but i'd like to share the pics from the baby shower we held for Con's baby Joaquin (am not yet sure if she's already given birth na today, but she is in Medical City and in labor last I heard).

Oh and wonderful news, our Tinchie is also preggy... due in November naman :)

*~*

I told my hubby that I sometimes can't help but feel resentful... that I get to 'suffer' all the pregnancy woes and get to 'carry' all the pregnancy responsibilities. But that I also feel sad for him sometimes, because no matter how involved and supportive and loving he gets, this is a journey I can never fully share with him. He can only really cheer me on, but not play the game with me.

He, on the other hand, told me that it's actually harder for him. Precisely because it's my body playing host to our child, I know exactly what feels wrong or right and what should be done... whereas he can only guess and second-guess and hope he's doing right by us.

Oh, how I love the guy!

SO CUTE

Title referring to my husband :)

I chided him several days ago about us still not reading to our baby yet. We haven't even done the classical music bit. But we do talk to Baby Sac, Jojo more than me (he pleads with Sac to let me eat or go about in peace, hehe).

Anyway, two or three nights ago, Baby Hubby heard me reading Little Mermaid aloud. The next night, as I was reading Tom Sawyer (not aloud), he decided it's his turn to read aloud for Baby Sac. I gave him my Andersen's Fairy Tales book (the more original version, we bought the book in Doulos some seven years ago) and asked him to choose a short story, since reading aloud can be hard after a while.

He chose "The Little Match Girl". As he was reading, he kept on making side comments about how pitiful the girl's plight was... and how he was growing sad. He actually said he didn't like reading it anymore, but I told him to finish the story for the baby. And then he came to the end... the little girl died. Jojo was close to tears and really felt sad. He was a little dumbfounded that fairy tales could be so sad. I was mean because I kept laughing at him, surprised that he didn't know the story of the little match girl.

But I found him cute too. He looked like a boy who got disillusioned. Of course, he now refuses to read any more fairy tales to our Baby. I told him to just print limericks and nursery rhymes if he'd be happier, but that he still has to help me find a book on Grimm's Faerie Tales (again, the dark, original versions).

And it turned out, my sister who is nine years my junior also isn't that familiar with the story of the little match girl.

Susme.

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edited to include a link to the story... i still can't believe others don't know the story! lolz... baka mas kilala pag sinabi kong "Ang Munting Tindera ng Posporo"?

PICTURE MOMENT