A Mom... Finally!

Despite the intense feelings of love for Yakee, I was one of those Moms who didn't feel connected to her baby initially.

Am not sure if it was because I didn't go into labor... so I somehow felt like I was just given a baby to care for. I also still feel pregnant, heck, I even still waddle when I walk. Not sure if the binder I have to wear for two months has anything to do with this.

And yes, sure, i've been nursing him since he was born, and i've wept in the struggles and the triumphs, but i've also generally just felt like a milking cow, not a Mommy.

After all, he'd root and insist on nursing even when he's not hungry if he's in my arms. I could never just hold him for bonding's sake and could never really make him go to sleep without nursing him first. So in the times when he's just fine and dandy... or really upset, I had to rely on my husband and whoever else to hold, carry, pacify him for me.

And I couldn't differentiate his cries at first... my sister knew his hunger cries before I did. But true enough, later on I could tell which cry was which. It was also amazing for me to realize that I could tell his cries from other babies' cries (realized when we attended the pre-baptism seminar where other couples went with their own bundles of joy).

And so it went for weeks that i'd look at my child and wonder why I feel estranged to him somehow. But then I realized that my expectations were not realistic... hubs is right, Yakee is someone we're only getting to know. It's wrong of me to assume that everything will be automatic.

Good thing that patience is always rewarded... I believe it was November 15, after changing his nappy and while hubs was playing with him that we realized Yakee could already zero in on me. Not only was his eyesight really developing but he was responding to my voice and tilting his face to wherever I go.

He hasn't zeroed in on someone before. He'd pay attention sometimes but never really look as if he could tell which was which.

Five days later, I left him with my sister and cousin to go to the mall and buy him his baptismal reception outfit (Pappie Jojo already bought him a teeny-weeny barong). I wasn't out a long time and was back home within three hours. I arrived back home just in time to see him finish nursing from his bottle. I told my sister to burp him and that i'd just be sterilizing his bottles and doing other stuff at home.

Yakee started acting up. He sure wasn't hungry but he refused to be pacified. My sister gave up and gave him to me. I knew he's had enough milk but could have detected that I was already around so I let him comfort-nurse. And true enough, he nursed while also cooing and looking at me. After he's performed his token sucks, he just kept cooing and cackling at me. First time that my baby ever made lambing. Sigh.

And finally, I felt that i'm truly his Mom. He didn't just need the milk from my breasts, he also needed and wanted me close.

Now, he follows me with his eyes half the time, and plays with me while he's in my arms.

And Pappie's jealous, ahihi.

*~*

I've been tagged by Pinky and seeing as am already online... fine, sagutin ko na!

1. Are there any babies in your family or circle of friends?

Let's see... we have Iya, my husband's niece from his sister. I have lots of nieces and nephews from my cousins and have adopted my husbands' nieces and nephews. And my brother is expecting their sorta 3rd baby (the first, Pyro, died last year... and the second was miscarried this year).

Friends naman... college friends are starting to have them. And colleagues are having them. And Berk friends are having them.

Shall I consider my Pex and N@w barkadas pa? Ahehe.


2. Are you one of those people who use a high-pitched, sing-song voice when talking to babies and small children?

YES :) But when Yakee is super antsy and i'm super tired na, I use a soft, stern voice.

3. If you were standing in line next to a *very* pregnant stranger at the bank or grocery store, what would you say to her?

Nothing... but I will probably smile if ever we catch each other's eyes.

4. Similarly, what do you say or do near babies in public?

I usually smile at them... when they're really cute or obnoxious naman, I can't help pointing it out to hubs (or whoever am with).


5. When walking through a department store, are you the sort of person who can go by the baby clothes without even a glance or do you have to stop to ooh and ahh?

But i've always looked even when I wasn't married and pregnant pa... ahehe. Baby stuff are all so cute, it's always a wonder that person could be so tiny.


I am not tagging anybody else, since I owe bloghops pa nga :D

It's a... Father!!!
Actually, am sure that thirty-one years ago... the doctor attending to MIL at UST Hospital shouted, "It's a BOY!!!" to announce my in-laws' firstborn son.

That colicky bundle of joy is now my husband and my son's father.

I am ashamed to share that I do not have any gifts for him, not even a card. See, I didn't have time to buy anything... and if truth be told, I simply lack the energy for anything.

But my husband as a father made me fall in love with him more, and proved how right I was to choose him to be my life partner. My husband as a father is both someone i've always known was there, and someone I never knew he could be.

Fatherhood has made him a greater man... I doubt very much that parents start out wondering what kind of parent their children will turn out to be, but I know my husband is currently making his parents proud.

And I hope someday, Yakee in turn will thank the heavens above and celebrate the day that God gave his Pappie to the world.

Happy Birthday Baby... you know I love you very much... may you always know that and may I always show it. Here's to your health and the realization of your dreams...

*~*

He doesn't have any recent solo picture...



(and as to the mismatched beddings, blame it on Yakee!)

Sad Truths and Silver Linings
This would seem like am airing our dirty laundry out... but since i'm not going into details, I guess I could be excused pa din.

Anyway, there are no words to describe how painful it is to grow up... and realize that parents you've put on a pedestal are mere mortals... worse, when the hero you've always wanted to emulate is actually a person you wouldn't want to become.

Such is the case of my husband and I... where our fathers are concerned.

It's equally shattering to realize that your parents' marriage isn't what you thought it to be... and isn't something you want to end up in. Hubs and I sometimes look at our Moms and wonder how beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring women could be so taken for granted by their husbands... and then wonder how we (the children) are tarnished by these fathers.

Hubs worries that I, or my Mom, might think he'd end up like his father.

I worry i'd end up like my father.

But I just take to heart what MIL said... that hubs has a part of her too. I have a part of my Mom too. And I did say that our mothers, though not without faults of their own, are wonderful people, right?

*~*

Our parents are not without love for the persons they married. But I think they didn't have what Jojo and I have... we weren't forced by circumstance or whim or some cold, practical motivation in marrying each other. We remember our parents having happy, sweet times... and are scared that those have stopped.

I just hope Jojo and I continue loving each other better. I wouldn't want Yakee to wake up one day and see his parents wanting to be free of each other.

Time Flies When You Have a Son
I can't even begin to say how amazing it is for me to realize that we've weathered Yakee's first month already.

It was really hard at first... the constant demands that you can't exactly interpret, being compromised physically, the additional expense, all the unsolicited advice from everywhere, and the self-doubts if you're already giving and doing your best.

I thank God that we've been blessed by a healthy child. He's finally letting us put him down to sleep... and sleeping longer (while I fret naman about him going hungry). My Mom (who arrived two nights ago) is amazed at his ability to support (?) his neck and back... and how strong his kicks are. After all, he's only one month old :)

Me... am sorta complaining that he's growing longer and longer so fast... makes shifting him in my arms a lot harder.

Anyway, traditionally enough, we had noodles cooked yesterday... but we opted for spaghetti over the usual pancit (planning for my Mom to cook it for us, as her homecoming treat, but alas, she was kept away from the kitchen by my son). My cousin also cooked fried chicken, and Pappie Jojo bought ice cream and two cakes.

Jojo bought a half roll and a round cake... because he says Yakee is essentially 10 months old. :)



*~*

My Mom lovingly ravages my son all the time. She's always at us about letting Yakee cry but she herself cannot suffer his wails. And she's weird, she adores my baby's scent esply after spit-ups.

I guess that's one of the plus points when you breastfeed.

*~*

We've been arranging Yakee's baptism already... it's also going to be a sort of thanksgiving birthday lunch for hubs, who will turn 31 this 17th. Wonder what i'd get him, and where i'd get the money for his gift.

Remember I vowed to get him a wii? Well, he was the one who decided to use the money instead to get Yakee christened. Still, i'd love to give him something material naman...

*~*

Obviously, Yakee's growing to be a Carbon Pappie.

Thoughtfulness
A niece spent some days with us (technically, with my cousin and sister at the other house) since they also have some sort of sem break in grade school. She's my goddaughter, the daughter of my cousin. Her parents are so not well-off and she goes to a public school... the cousin living with us (with my sister, actually) usually has to pick up her brother's slack in providing for his family.

Anyway, I lent her a children's book, part of my weird collection, to read when she gets bored while she's staying with us. Having also attended a nephew's 7th birthday party, I gave Duday (real name is Marjorie) one of the loot bags we took home, keeping the other for Jojo's niece Iya.

For several days, we noticed Duday writing down notes or something, copying who knows what from the book I lent her. Finally I asked her what she's writing. She then told me that she's jotting notes nga because she wants to tell the stories she's reading to her brother when she gets back home.

Awww. She's turning 9 this coming January.

Then my cousin told me that Duday hasn't eaten the goodies in the loot bag I gave her. What she did was write on it, "Happy 7th Birthday Pau", intending to give it as a gift for her brother's 7th birthday.

Awww. "The Gift of the Magi" comes to mind.

But really... I was touched enough to cry to my husband while relating these stories to him. Touched at how thoughtful and generous and good my niece is, and ashamed that I was never a sister like her to any of my siblings.

But I guess that's the thing with having much and not having enough... Duday knew her brother wouldn't have the usual birthday celebration, but she didn't allow it to stop her from giving him a gift. Whereas I (and even my hubs) always had cakes and presents and birthday money growing up... we both started giving our siblings gifts when we were already working and had all those disposable income.

Sigh. To have been someone like her :) To be someone like her. To have kids who will be like her.

I also felt a trifle guilty for keeping the other loot bag for Iya, who went trick or treating in her neighborhhod (Ayala, Alabang)... feeling that Duday had to sacrifice her treats for her brother. But I was just being thoughtful of Iya, and Duday wouldn't have done this wonderful thing for her brother.

Anyway, I assure my readers that I made sure naman na Duday wouldn't go without... and that Pau would have a birthday cake pa din :)

*~*

Meanwhile, Pappie Jojo outdid himself again in terms of thoughtfulness. Because he returned to work today, after a month-long leave, and i've been having pumping woes, I woke up to Yakee's crying at 3 AM last night to see two envelopes with Yakee... letters from Pappie and Yakee.

The letter from my husband is full of love and compliments and assurances and hope... and an old pendant he's given me before, now plaited in white gold and hung on a new chain. It used to be a silver pendant which i'd loved, something he found for me in one of his trips abroad several years ago... but had stopped wearing because most of the stones have fallen off and it's gotten really tarnished.

The 'letter from Yakee' is full of love and gratitude... and my push present, my engagement ring with a new ruby stone. It's also white gold now too, because hubs wanted it to go with the pendant.

Sigh. Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have indeed done something good to be so blessed.

*~*

Yakee pooped for the first time in the CR... yun lang nga, sa floor bumagsak ang kanyang explosive poop. I was bathing him for the first time and decided to do it in the CR since I couldn't carry his tub na once it's filled with bathwater. Howell... it wasn't as disastrous as I feared it to be... at least Yakee missed his water, and his tub :D

Our Fantastic CS Experience (birthing kwento)
October 06
Still no Yakee. Hubs and I felt energized enough to get up early though (around 9 AM) and we decided we'd have lunch at Aling Tonya's over at Seaside. We left the house with my cousin and sister at 11:30.

We had guinataang alimango with sitaw at kalabasa, sinigang na hipon, shrimp tempura and crispy kangkong. I finished eating at around 2 PM. Sis and cousin went to Divi while hubs and I went to Rob Place to kill time before going to the OB. We agreed to meet later for grocery-shopping.

At Rob, I walked around and around and around. We were hoping I was already dilated and the walking will induce labor. Then we went to the clinic. We were among the last in our OB's list of patients that day so we had to kill more time, which we did by hanging out at Wendy's and eating some shrimp sandwich and enjoying their iced tea lite. We finally got to see our OB at around 6:30 PM.

My cervix is `closed as a canned good and the baby isn't in position yet. The amniotic level remained high per results of the biophysical profile. The doctor said inducing when my cervix is still closed will just result in a CS. We can wait till Oct. 11 but she said that's the longest she'd wait because the risks for complications will be double by then. But at least she was willing to wait for me to naturally go into labor, ripen, etc.

But we weren't. Hubs and I looked at each other and without needing to say much to each other agreed that we don't want to take any more chances, since there are no guarantees that my cervix will cooperate, and i'm already overdue and Yakee continues to grow. I also didn't want Yakee passing meconium inside because he'd require NICU care then which would interfere with my intention to breastfeed and room-in.

So we brought the subject of getting a CS asap. Doc made the necessary phone calls and managed to get a 9:00 AM appointment for me at Asian (because Madocs charges 40% surcharge for emergency surgeries, and the O.R. is already completely booked till Monday) the next day.

Then I saw panic starting to rise in my husband's eyes. I'm sure the same could be seen in my eyes but he was just more panicky. After leaving the clinic at past 7 PM, we proceeded back to Rob to meet my sis and cousin and grocery shop for the house (and hubby's baon... and am telling you, he filled the carts with all the comfort food he likes). Hubs started texting friends and relatives (told you, he's more panicked!) while at the grocery.

We got home at around 9 PM already... I ate dinner first and we packed our stuff and took baths. At past 10:30 PM, we were on our way to Asian already. I started texting friends and family for prayers during the ride to the hospital.

October 07
We were admitted at 12 midnight. My room was a very comfortable one but I couldn't sleep. I was told that I could eat and drink till 3 AM only so I decided to eat some crackers at 2:30, scared i'd climb walls from hunger after the surgery. But I really couldn't sleep. I was actually shaking from the anxiety... it being my first ever surgery. Hubs settled into a fitful sleep on the pullout bed beside my bed... and didn't even wake when nurses came at 6:00 AM to put the IV drip on me.

8:00 AM, I was wheeled down to the 3rd floor where the Genesis area is. Hubs will be called to come down once am inside the Operating Room already. I was interviewed, asked to sign papers, etc. I was also shaved a little by a nurse for my bikini cut.

9:00 AM, I was wheeled into the OR. The doctors commented on my lipstick and I told them that it's what's vogue now for mommies to do: wear make-up for the picture-taking after the delivery. Hehe. I dozed off as they talked about Pacquiao's fight and his rumored dalliance with Ara Mina. I was awakened to be informed that hubs is already inside the OR and they were about to pull Yakee out.

Because of the drugs, there was no pain at all... but I sort of felt the tugging/yanking motion around my belly. And then, crying. It was only after hearing the crying that I realized I was holding my breath. And then my own tears started to flow. I saw my husband's tear-filled eyes too, and then Yakee was being introduced to me.

I gave him a kiss, hubs gave me a kiss. And someone offered to take our first family picture. Then they undid my gown so Yakee could latch (he wouldn't) and then he was carted off to be cleaned. Hubs was with him while he was being cleaned... I was sure I was kissed again by my husband and told that I was loved before I dozed off again.

It was only later that i'd learn that a nurse almost dropped our child because there was a stool that caused her to lose balance... good thing hubs was following them and he was able to prevent the accident.

11:00 AM, I woke up back in the labor room... much to hubby's surprise. He was actually checking me from time to time, as he was spending most of his time at the Huggery, watching our son.

12:00 NN, I was wheeled back to my room... which was empty. Turned out hubs' family arrived and they were all at the Huggery. Anyway, twas hubs' youngest sibling's birthday too so they brought cake and food.

I was drowsy but not nauseous all afternoon. I couldn't sleep however because I was anxious to breastfeed (they brought Yakee in at around 2 PM) and Iya was being very cute.

Suffice it to say that Yakee's delivery was very anti-climactic :) He was roomed-in that night after being given his Hepa vaccine, at around 9 PM. I was also able to sit up and breastfeed (thanks to hospital beds).

A Huggery nurse was kind enough to teach Jojo how to change diapers and swaddle. Despite me not having liquid milk yet, I immediately knew that I was feeding Yakee something because he passed meconium twice that night (actually yung first nappy change, feeling namin na-overlook sa Huggery and matagal na yun, and we only thought to check nung mga 1 AM... pero yung ube-jam-like poop, Yakee passed at 3 AM).

That was our first parental disappointment, that we didn't think to check his nappies way before. Cute no?

*~*

The best is yet to come. After all the hurdles we crossed during this pregnancy, all the scares and confinements and bad possibilities, we were blessed with a healthy child.

He has my eyes... and the shape of my face. But his mouth is his father's... and as time goes by, he resembles Jojo more and more (esply when he frowns).







*~*

It was perfect timing... he has already started to move his bowels when he was born. So, though the CS birth was more expensive, we were spared NICU charges naman. :)

*~*

My IV drip was removed the next day (Monday), which allowed me to really hold Yakee. Yakee also mastered the art of latching that day... and started feeding hour-long on each breast (goodness!). His pedia laughingly comments that everytime she visits, he is feeding from my breast.

I managed to walk Tuesday and took a shower. I was discharged Wednesday, and we passed by hubs' office first so he can drop off something, where his colleagues gushed over our son.

*~*

Of course, he has many pictures given that we're the parents. But it's my sister really who takes a pic of him almost every day using her cam phone. Hubs and I have resigned ourselves to the fact, too, that Yakee isn't photogenic. The camera doesn't quite capture his cuteness eh.

*~*

Tears welled up again in my husband's eyes when we were about to eat the pre-discharge dinner that Asian prepares for the parents the night before they get discharged. And then Yakee cries from my bed and we had to eat with hubs cradling Yakee in his arms while I cut up his meat (a first for us as a couple, because twas Jojo who always cut my meat for me).

Everything has changed. We are now parents. The world will never be the same again for us.

*~*

And as the world remembers their dead, I post this and celebrate the miracle of life.